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January 10
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Remember when I promised you forever?

Well I only meant tonight and
the little bit of air left in the high
of my lungs. So keep me alive with
the onslaught of your breath, the wet
corners of your lips pressed clumsily
against my own. Let us draw this out
like the waist of your pants lying
somewhere in the past, when you
still thought you were gay and
men looked good in nothing at all.
:icondawn181:
Just some random poetry inspired by some random words I jotted down on a page and the style of a wonderful poet my friend introduced me to. (I cannot remember her last name, but her first name is Aimee with an accent on the first E)

You may not use this, under any circumstances, without my permission. Untitled Nights (c) dawn181, a.k.a Taylor (me)
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:iconwinterkate:
I loved the last two lines of this poem so much. I just feel like they brilliantly encompassed everything you wanted to say here about moments and how quickly they pass and how beautiful those privileged moments when someone else allows you to see their vulnerability is. I feel like, as far as constructive criticism goes, really playing with the line breaks as a way to switch up the pacing of the piece would really work well. For example:

Remember when I promised you
forever?

Well I only meant tonight and
the little bit of air left in the high
of my lungs. So keep me alive with
the onslaught of your breath, the wet
corners of your lips pressed clumsily
against my own. Let us draw this out


etc. Asyndeton is great for speeding up works, etc. But the last two lines - and really all of this poem - are gorgeous.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
The most outstanding detail is the irony of your introductions: I promised you forever but I meant tonight. That was remarkable. The remainder was still good reading, the the lines about your breath/lungs, and so on. Unique expression. The wet lips pressed together was quaintly written. You show a wry humor as well as a talent for irony. Quite my kind of poet. The succeeding line about waistline was amusing. There seems to be a prime example of your humor and/or sarcasm in the closing lines about being gay, and I enjoyed that. Altogether, it was a very charming and fun read.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icontravelgirlxx:
Hi! Your poem has been featured as a fave on my 1st ever Sunday Feature journal!
[link]
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awe you're too sweet (: Thank you.
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:iconadonael:
~Adonael Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The rhetorical question is good for engaging the reader and the casual style reflects the 'one night stand' vibe that's at work in this one. I like how you allegorically describe the clothes and the last line has impact.
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hehe thank you :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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:iconadonael:
~Adonael Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No worries :)
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"Let us draw this out
like the waist of your pants lying
somewhere in the past" OH YES
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Eee that's my favorite part too :heart:
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
For good reason :heart:
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:iconannuski:
~Annuski Jan 11, 2013  Student Writer
Hmm, interesting, and really good
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