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January 13
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I can’t taste the electricity, you said through
swollen lips; they look like mine, puffed,
raw, and chapped from the wind my teeth gnashed at.
I followed the icy tendrils through parked
cars and power lines.  That’s where I found you, gnawing on Styrofoam cups.
We dared each other to fill our vacant bodies with
the other’s fingers.  But you were still hungry, our stomachs
still bubbling with anxious acids.  

We both climbed poles.
I found light bulbs atop mine.  
They lacked the essential flavors of pepper and salt,
they still smelled of factory grease.  
You found black ropes, city vines, suspended from cables.
They tasted uncooked and oily, you told me.
I can’t even taste the electricity, you told me.
:icondawn181:
This was inspired by a deivant's tagline and the latest collection of poems I've recently read.
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:icontravelgirlxx:
Okay. So this poem is gorgeous in its absolute painfulness. I don't have a whole lot of suggestions, however I think coming back to the lip imagery in the 2nd stanza could be really interesting.

Also: I think adding some splashes of color in the grey-ness of this poem would be really lovely.


Some random minor edits to the poem:

I can’t taste the electricity, you say through
swollen lips; they look like mine: puffed,
raw, chapped from the wind and my gnashing teeth.
I follow icy tendrils through parked
cars and power lines - that’s where I find you,
gnawing on Styrofoam cups.
We dare each other to fill our vacant bodies with
the other’s fingers.
But you are still hungry,
our stomachs still bubbling with anxious acids.

We both climb poles.
I find light bulbs atop mine.
They lack the essential flavors of pepper and salt,
they still smell of factory grease.
You find black ropes, city vines, suspended from cables.





This ending: fabulous!

They tasted uncooked and oily, you told me.
I can’t even taste the electricity, you told me.

My favorite line:

"We dared each other to fill our vacant bodies with
the other’s fingers. But you were still hungry,"


I mean, dang. it's like you stuck your hand in my chest and squeezed my heart. Absolutely perfect :D :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icontiajones:
~tiajones Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely lovely. <3

i love that last line.
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :)
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:icontiajones:
~tiajones Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
of course. :heart:
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:iconedge-of-psychosis:
*edge-of-psychosis Jan 16, 2013  Student Writer
Damn. I was skimming through the deviations in the Glory Be project in my inbox, and the first lines of this just . . . grabbed me.
It's a teeny bit wordy in a few spots [by my estimation]. For some reason this stanza
That’s where I found you, gnawing on Styrofoam cups.
We dared each other to fill our vacant bodies with
the other’s fingers. But you were still hungry, our stomachs
still bubbling with anxious acids.

doesn't feel quite right. I don't know why. Haha.
But I absolutely adore the rest. A lot of poems use really nature-y imagery, whereas this has all modern and urban-like imagery, which is a refreshing difference. It's very stark and sad, but beautiful.
[My computer froze while I was commenting, I wouldn't normally take the time to retype an in-depth comment, but this work deserves attention.]
I'm just in love with this.
:rose::rose::rose:
Reply
:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awww :hug: I'm so glad you liked it that much! Your words mean so much to me!
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:iconedge-of-psychosis:
*edge-of-psychosis Jan 18, 2013  Student Writer
Anytime, dear. I'm glad:heart:
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh who's tagline and what collection? :D This has some really cool lines - were you imitating style or? :)
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It was the tagline of ~TheForsakenGoddess. And yeah, I was kind of imitating style. More like a combination of the two poets in Feral Citizens [link] (this goes to Amazon fyi)

It's kind of more like the only writing I've read from any one all week has been them, so it's seeped into the poetry I've been writing.
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That happens to me a lot when I read Sexton or Hughes too much :D
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:icondawn181:
=dawn181 Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've never read them.
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